Storm of thoughts

I know there’s strength in ourselves. It’s there even in the darkest times.

I’m light and sorrow. Fear and confidence.

Not all advice is right for me, even when it seems to come from a good place.

Not everyone can truly understand.

Not everyone does really care.

Sometimes Love can be Selfishness.

I need to be careful. I cannot let it get to me.

Some people are not right for me and I’m not right for them.

And I accept that.

They’re trying the best they can.

As I’m trying my best to stay above water when everything wants to crash me down.

I am born again. I fight. I can feel the warmth of light even in the deepest cave.

I want to be my best friend.

I want to protect myself from harm. From harmful memories.

I want to let go of this feeling of guilt.

I was born to live my life. By design, I am free.

Even in my mental cage, I still remain free.

I fight to protect myself and sometimes I feel extreme fatigue because of it.

I am my own crystal.

Toxicity cannot penetrate me. It can make me feel wrong, but cannot break me.

At my core, I am Fire. I am Light. I am Steel.

I stay true to myself. To what I believe in.

I was born to search for my own truth.

I forgive myself.

I let go of resentment.

I will let myself Live.

I live my own life.

My own. Because it is indeed mine to live.

Guilt, Fear, Sorrow, Regret, I let you go. I set you free.

Because, finally, I want to be Free.

The levels of anxiety

I realised that, at least in my experience, I can identify different levels of anxiety. Sometimes they blend together but these are the main ones that I can point out.

There’s the one that I can almost ignore. It’s there but I don’t pay too much attention to it. I’m able to do my things, exercise, hang out, smile and work. I am so used to it that I don’t even stop to wonder why my palms are sweaty or why I struggle to sleep. I just think it must be normal.

There’s another one where I start to feel uncomfortable. I start to avoid situations and it does have an impact on my daily life. But I keep going. I’ve been like this since forever so it must be normal right? Right? Maybe not quite…

There’s another level where I start fearing the most absurd things. I look in the mirror and I start to doubt myself. Have I always had a not so straight nose? What’s wrong with the colour of my ears? What if….Followed by the most terrible events my mind can come up with. The awkward feeling intensifies and here’s the panic does kick in. A storm of adrenaline rushes through my body. I keep listening to the voice of panic and I am unable to see a way out. Forcing myself to think positive thoughts doesn’t help. They say it’s a gradual progression of thoughts that makes me feeling this way. But sometimes the escalation is so fast that I go from feeling quite calm to this primitive fear very quickly. It’s like this baseline of panic has been activated inside me and I don’t know how to slow it down…

I need help, I think. I need to escape. I can’t really escape. I try. I fail. I cry. I cry again. It doesn’t work. It’s not helping. Another spiral of negative thoughts. That’s the worst. Or is it really? What if I am going to be ok. You know I’m going to make it as last time where I thought I wasn’t able to. I can’t see a way out still, but new thoughts start popping up. It’s like they’re rescuing me. Or maybe I am rescuing myself. I never really understood what our self really is. Are we are thoughts? I don’t even know why I am thinking about this now. I should run. I should think about something normal. What about buying some groceries for dinner or when the next Season of The Witcher is coming up ? Great tv series by the way… Ok, I am here. I am in this moment. I can feel the couch. This is really happening. I am, despite what my mind tells me. And after what seemed a long time, the storm goes eventually…

It can leave me drained, upset but at some point I start to see life with its true colours. I must say that coping with it has not been particularly easy for me. I feel this pressure inside me. I feel guilty sometimes for feeling this way. For this irrational suffering. But at least it has taught me something. I have more empathy towards other people. I can imagine their pain and I hope they don’t feel guilty as I do sometimes. I hope they can find comfort. I hope we can all heal and live life with a more reasonable level of anxiety. I hope we can have a restful sleep at night.

I used to ignore my anxiety for most of my life. I was busy doing. I was so busy being anxious that I didn’t understand what was happening at a deeper level. I ignored it until I couldn’t ignore it anymore. But now I know. It’s difficult but I can truly see now. Now it’s time to start making my own decisions. To be comfortable with who I am and start to really love myself. It’s time to heal and let my inner child be free. Let my inner child feel loved by myself. Truly respected and cared for.

‘Now it’s time to start making my own decisions. To be comfortable with who I am and start to really love myself.’

Here’s a longer inner monologue, if you’d like to read it: https://lostinacting.home.blog/2019/12/16/storm-of-thoughts/

Inner monologue.

I think I look normal. Normal… I never liked that word. It’s just empty. Ok, I think I look like a person who doesn’t have adrenaline running through her body because of irrational fears. What would that person look like anyway? Mmmh… I don’t know. Anyway, no one said I look way too tired nor anxious. Or maybe they’re thinking it right now but are too afraid of saying it? Probably. Or maybe not… Everyone is busy minding their own business. Everyone is busy with their own inner monologues… Yes, of course… You know that… Oh, a person… Smile. Smile even if you feel so anxious that you can’t take normal breaths… Uuuh she smiled back. You did well. It was hard but you did it. She wants to talk. She is talking about being anxious about something. So see.. Other people get anxious too. You’re not the only one.

Share advice. Be supportive. You can do that. Oh she is funny. I like her smile. She does have a sense of humour too. I like that. She doesn’t like phone calls. Me neither. I am not the only one then… Text messages are much better. Oh shit, I forgot to reply to that email. Maybe I should do that now? No that’s rude. You can wait. You can and have to control your phone addiction. Yes, new resolution of the New Year… Wait, why did I have to wait a whole year to implement this resolution? Wait not doing an effort every day. It doesn’t matter which day… I could have done it in May, June, July… Oh no I am not sure what she said now… I am in my head. Focus… Focus.. Be interested in other people. It’s not always about you? Is it? Of course not… Oh maybe you’re smiling way too much. It must look weird. Or does it really? Who cares.

Possibly one of the best and simplest advice I’ve received in therapy.

Just keep walking.

A few months ago I was feeling so anxious that I was even scared of going out for a walk.

Yes, just a simple walk would trigger intense panic in me. My mind was so filled up with convincing fearful thoughts. “Oh I’m losing control”, I’am about to faint”. It wasn’t actually true but still, my mind sounded so convincing that after a 5 minute walk I would go straight home. It goes without saying that my fear of leaving the house was only getting worse…

Anxiety at this level is not a good place to be in and a stressed mind can make you fear things that you normally wouldn’t fear at all. I didn’t realise that this was actually possible until I experienced it myself. But with time I learned that it’s important to keep challenging fearful irrational thoughts.

I told this to my therapist. He replied to me: “Why don’t you just keep walking and see what happens?”.

Yes, what could have happened? Mmm… My scared mind had a long list of catastrophic possibilities just there for me to see vividly… Collapsing on the ground was a recurrent favourite. This thought would keep coming back over and over again possibly because it sounded terrifying every time it was brought to my attention. But wait a minute… What if my mind was actually wrong… What if I was actually going to be fine. It felt like a new thought was created in my universe of terror. And that little tiny hope gave me enough motivation to actually try. And I did try. I tried. I failed. I tried again. I was still having all these uncomfortable symptoms running through my body but the anger inside me kept me going. I was frustrated because something that seemed so simple in the past was now a great challenge. I felt ashamed. Frustrated. Tired of trying. Desperate.

My mind was very good at sabotaging me every time I tried to go a little further: “This is it. That’s the end for you”, “You’re not going to make it”, “You see, you can’t even breath properly”. But despite the fear I kept going a little bit further every time I had the courage to do it. And I was eventually finally able to say:

“Dear Mind, I believe you’re wrong. Let’s see what is really going to happen”.

No, it wasn’t enough to repeat that in my mind once not even twice, three, four times…. Not even a hundred times. But I kept challenging the irrational thoughts every time I could. In time and with patience the fear started to recede. I have to say it was a slow gradual process but eventually it started to get better. I can’t say it’s totally gone even to this day but it is at a much more manageable level.

After a while I was able to go for long walks but yet, I was still feeling unsatisfied with myself. I was feeling too drained to exercise and that was annoying for me. It seemed that when I was reaching a milestone, I was still unhappy about not being able to live at my full potential. Well, what does full potential even mean really? Anyway…

I was focusing on what I couldn’t do instead of what I was actually able to do in the moment. But I finally managed to come to terms with that somehow. I learned that it’s ok to go for a walk instead of a run if I only had 3 hours sleep that night. And no, it’s not helpful to compare myself with the lives of professional athletes or people who claim to exercise almost every day. It’s not realistic for me at the moment but it doesn’t mean that it won’t improve one day. And it’s ok if I can only do a 10 minute workout instead of a 40 minute one. It’s still better than spending time complaining on the couch that I don’t have the energy to do the workout I’d like to do, isn’t it?

In other words, I am now learning to listen to my body with more compassion and challenge myself if I believe it’s the right thing to do and rest if I need to. It’s not always easy but I am trying.

What did you learn from therapy? What did you find frustrating in your journey?

Storm of thoughts. A talk with myself.

I decided to write without judgement. I didn’t have a specific objective in mind but I felt I needed to do it. Here’s the result:

I’m a… Am I really? I think I am. Just thoughts… Am I my own thoughts? I feel lonely. I don’t feel real. This doesn’t feel real. I feel negative. I feel like I can’t rest. I feel tired, stressed and upset. Nowhere to hide. Nowhere to rest. Nowhere to be. I am a drop in the ocean or The Ocean? Am I an ocean to myself? An Ocean of thoughts, fears, dreams and humour… I am all of these things. I hope Hope is not lost.

I’m fire. I’m water. I’m dust. I am powerful dust flying over fire and living under water. I am the ocean of all the eyes that judged me. I’m my own spirit inside-out. I’m more than jealousy. I’m stronger than envy. I’m the power inside me. I’m the dreams I didn’t care for. I’m this and that. I’m the smile that doesn’t lie. I’m not lies. I’m truth. I’m the truth that causes pain. I’m the mystery of life. I am a stranger, a sister, a girlfriend…

I’m the sun that doesn’t rise when the storm is too powerful. I’m the sun on a peaceful morning with coffee and pastries. I’m alive in this and all the past moments. I’m the moment that never comes. I’m shy. I’m the shy that doesn’t tell. I’m the shy that sits on stones. I’m stone and fire. I’m the stone about to break. If it breaks, everyone will hear it. I’m the fear of walking naked in the streets. I’m a bitch, a star… I’m my consciousness. I’m the little girl who is tired after days of early calls. I’m the girl who’s smiling on the tree. I’m freedom stained by fear. I’m the power of life. I’m strength. I’m the brick that doesn’t break. I’m the stick under the tree waiting to be picked up. I’m the loneliness of the ocean. I’m the power of waves crashing, stumbling… I’m no one and everything.

I’m made to live, endure and fear.

I’m made to think. I’m made to sleep. I’m made to rest. I was made out of fear. I was made for reasons. I was a contract… I’m fearless and a storm. I’m the storm you fear. I fear the storm.

I’m in this moment, looking for a way out. I’m looking for a way to be.

I’m looking for the freedom in that child’s eyes. I’m looking for myself. I’m looking for that dust of happiness. I’m looking for forgiveness. I’m looking to forgive myself. I’m looking to be… I’m looking for a place of comfort. I’m looking for freedom. I’m looking at least… I’m perfect. I’m shattered in pieces. I’m saved. I’m unsafe. I’m strong. I’m numbness with an armour. I’m the wind in your air. I’m the power of my life. I’m stories. I’m my past. I’m the hate between family members. I’m in and out of my family. I’m in and out of myself. I’m the friend that doesn’t lie. I’m envy and power. I’m the last question at the end of an exam.

I’m secure. I’m safe. I’m breathing and I’m fire. I’m the story to be told. I’m a train of long intricate thoughts. I’m the New Year of Lost Dreams. I’m sparkling rainbow dust in the universe. I’m sense and fear. I’m no one. I’m the story behind the script.

I love you. I love you so much that I can’t let you go. I can’t end… No matter how much it hurts.

I’m the fear of sleeping in the darkness. I’m my own darkness. I’m light. I’m the light. I’m the light that breaks the chains of fear.

When was the last time you had a conversation with yourself? What did you talk about?

Dreams

If I don’t grow them, they weaken. If they weaken, it might seem like they don’t belong to me anymore. But it doesn’t mean they are not my dreams anymore. Dreams are very delicate. An intention is not enough for them to fully grow. They need to be shown love and purpose. They need to feel worthy. Otherwise, they fade. They stop being as vivid as the moment they were born. Actions are more powerful than a wish to make them stronger. They need respect. I need to give them a reason to stay.

I must take some time to really look at them… And check if I am trying to live someone else’s dreams…

Are these really my dreams? What would my inner child say about them?

Deep down I know the truth. I just tell myself other stories. I think about other dreams because I am too scared to live my life fully. But now I am aware of it and maybe I can train myself to dream again. Dream in the right way. I need to let them stay this time. I have to learn how to love them.

Can you see your dreams?

Notes to my anxious self.

A thought is just a thought. I can choose how to interpret it.

Taking action is more effective than sitting on the couch and complaining about how low and anxious I feel. Sometimes, however, I just enjoy having a couch-potato day and watching Netflix. Two days in a row… Maybe not so good for me.

Recovery from severe anxiety is a gradual process. Sometimes, I just wished I could wake up and feel my ‘usual’ self again. Nope. Well, Rome was not built in a day… Was it? Who knows. Well, I wasn’t there but I am pretty sure it wasn’t. So I can’t expect changes to happen overnight. I need to keep challenging my fears until they don’t make me feel so anxious anymore.

Sometimes the best I can do to feel a bit better is just going out for a walk. As simple as it might sounds, it actually works quite well for me. I couldn’t see so much of a difference when I was at the peak of my anxiety, but still I could notice a little improvement. So, I just kept going for a walk even if it was just a 10 minute walk.

Trying new things helps to take my mind off racing thoughts. Some of the things that help me are: acting, dancing, creative writing, reading and singing. They aren’t a quick fix but they are definitely improving my confidence and reducing my anxiety little by little.

It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to laugh. It’s ok to smile…

Exercising! The first time I exercised again, I didn’t really have a lot of fun. I wanted to see improvements fast in my physical performance, but especially in my mental health. Again, my expectations were way too high. But although there were days when I didn’t feel like exercising at all, I kept trying again and again. I finally exercise more regularly and can see more improvements both mentally and physically.

Spending too much time by myself can increase my anxiety. Asking a friend to meet up is a better option.

Try to make the best of each day, even when you’re feeling low or it’s raining outside. Use the couch-potato day card only when you really don’t see other options, see second point above.

Do the things you used to enjoy, you will start enjoying them again at some point. If not, that’s ok. Just try new things! 😀

You’re not alone even if you feel this way sometimes.

I am allowed to follow my dreams and can define my own idea of success.

It’s normal to have bad and good days. Focus on the good days as much as possible.

I’m not losing control even though my anxious mind is telling me otherwise.

Depersonalisation is just a feeling. Yes, it can be very uncomfortable but I’m going out and living my life anyway.

What are the things that help you when you’re feeling anxious?

Step by step… Working on a braver self.

Some of the things I am grateful for.

I am grateful for being able to make someone laugh. I thought I had lost this ability.

I am grateful when a stranger smiles back at me. It’s not always easy to smile, especially if you’re having a bad day. So whoever you are, thanks for gifting me with a smile. (Hope it wasn’t a creepy one..ha ha ha)

I am grateful for the people that look at me into my eyes when I talk to them. (I don’t mean in an aggressive way… eh eh). You’re brave and kind. Thanks for really listening to me.

I am grateful for a sunny day in England after a windy cold day. You really help lift my mood a lot.

I am grateful for being alive. Sometimes, I take if for granted. I don’t know where my living energy is coming from but WOW, thank you. I don’t know the right words to describe this feeling and maybe they still need to be invented?

I am grateful for all the colours I can see. You’re beautiful. You brighten up my day. I used to dress in pink all the time when I was a child. I still love pink but I do enjoy dressing in other colours too now.

I am grateful for all the languages in the world and the sounds that we can make. I like experimenting with strange accents and sounds when creating new characters for a play. It’s fun and freeing!

I am grateful for having loved very much and being loved. I am still struggling to have loving feelings due to my PTSD, but I appreciate when I can feel a little something here and there. It will take time, I know. For now I just want to be grateful for having the ability to love in myself, even though it’s hidden under many layers of other feelings.

I am grateful for being able to enjoy reading. When I was feeling very anxious my short term memory didn’t allow me to enjoy reading, but I kept reading a bit every day and recently I have just finished “The Night Circus”. It’s the most beautiful magical creative book I have ever read so far.

I am grateful for all the plays and films that have been made. It’s not easy to put on a play or make a movie. Thanks for taking a risk and for your imagination.

I am grateful for my sense of humour. You helped me to get through some difficult moments.

I am grateful for being me even though sometimes I forget to be grateful for it, it feels good to write it down.

What are the things you’re grateful for?

I am grateful for being born in the countryside and for all the sweet-sad memories attached to it…

Feeling stuck and finding motivation again.

Just a thought about the last few days…

There are moments when I am not even sad nor happy but I just feel apathy. It seems like I am passively getting by and not really thinking creatively any more. This happens when I lose sight of the big picture. When I forget what it feels like to be on stage, make someone laugh, tell a story you care about or create that play that otherwise would not exist.

In these moments I feel like I am not good enough for any audition out there. It might be true that in some occasions that audition was not right for me, but thinking that I should give up before even trying is counter-productive. So I simply try to ignore that feeling as much as I can by simply reminding myself of why I wanted to be a performer in the first place.

In practical terms, I try to send that email that I saved in my drafts days before, I try to join the gym again or sign up for that masterclass I had seen the other day.
Sometimes I succeed, others I don’t but, as long as I keep trying, I am ‘ok’ with myself and can move on. Yes, I’d like to be more focused without going through these moments but I am working on it!

…Moments when I am not even sad nor happy but I just feel *apathy*.

Some other times I just wish I was a totally difference person. I tell myself how easier it would be if I could be a logical person with great math skills and get “a normal secure perfect job”. The truth is I am the first to believe that this is b…sh… ‘smashed potatoes’ and it is only a down moment of my week that will pass. Why should I waste my life trying to be someone I am not? It doesn’t make any sense and for sure I wouldn’t be satisfied with it.

In conclusion, I will keep trying. Trying to be a better person and hopefully a better actress. I know these blue moments will keep coming but as long as I keep fighting them I will be on the right track.

The moments of clarity

In the moments of clarity, I am able to listen to the good voice. The voice that tells me to keep going. Keep training, keep getting stronger, keep learning and enjoying life! If I let the bad voice take over, then I would be lost. I would bury my dreams and find an ordinary job.

I learned over the years that the dreaming voice is always there. It seems silent sometimes but if you really listen, you will hear it.

What’s the point of giving up? What’s the point of faking happiness in an ordinary life? I am unique. You are unique. There’s no one in the world like me or you. Why do we need to be like anyone else when we can be ourselves?