The Sky, what else?

Have you seen the sky? Its pure beauty?

Let’s start again…

The deep blue, the whites and those sensual white shades of…
Too much.

Let’s start again…

I see you, beautiful sky, I sense you!
Your magnificent grandiosity

Oh, really?

Let’s start again…

Just look, just look at the sky!
You will see its beauty
Just really look,
Hey, don’t look away!

Stay a bit longer!

Let your eyes really see it,
Don’t, don’t look away…

The sky is beautiful
And I hope it makes you smile,
I hope it gives you peace.

So much to see, to embrace, to feel

So much more

That you can lose yourself in this search

Be careful!

Don’t dread staying still

Don’t dread waiting

Waiting for what?

Waiting for…

I don’t know

I only know we can’t go back

We need to move forward

and this time we choose ourselves

This time we don’t shy away

This time we can be ourselves

We can truly be

Because this is the only desirable state

The state of living

The state of feeling

The state of adapting

Flowing through Life

Accepting

Creating

Feeling

You are allowed to be you, my child

I love you for who you are

I’ve always loved you, even though I didn’t know how then

You are here and I respect you

We are moving forward

I love you

This state of nowhere and anywhere.

This is what airports are like. That’s maybe why people tend to feel so tired and excited as soon as they step foot in them.

I like this feeling of awaiting. Not knowing what to expect and not having to worry about who I am supposed to be. 

I like the kindness of a stranger worried that there wasn’t any toilet paper and passing some without me even asking for it. She didn’t even wonder whether I was worth of her help. She just did it.

For these people I could be anyone. For myself, I can take a break. 

But also, I wonder… Aren’t we always at an airport everyday? Isn’t everyday a new beginning?

Can it not be?

Maybe. Perhaps. I guess we are too busy doing. Fitting in our own mold we created. Because possibility is scary. It’s always been. 

So why do I feel like I belong to this airport? Why do I feel like I can rest here?

I spent my life trying to fit in. Trying to be something I thought I should be. And now I just want to embrace life. To feel. To experience. To see. To crave. To live. To just be.

Without pretending. Without pleasing. 

I want to find the right rhythm. I want to the play the song I never allowed myself to play.

What would happen if I just experienced life without trying to control it? What would happen if I let go of expectations? 

I think it could be good. Let’s open this door and wait. 

Back

—

And now I am flying back. Feeling fuller. More hopeful. 

I want to never let go of this feeling. I want to grab onto it and somehow imprint it in my brain every time I get a negative thought. I just want to staple it there. Glue it. Chain it tightly!

But I know how it goes. I know how testing life can be. 

So I aim to keep it safe. Somewhere. A place that I can access in the darkest of times. 

I know a voice will rescue me in the time of need. Even if I am not willing to really hear it. 

I know this voice will tell me to strike up a conversation with a stranger on the plane, as I am starting to feel nostalgic and down. 

Something I would never have done in the past. Never. Now it’s almost normal. Introverts can be sociable beings too. 

She is a teacher like me. She understands my challenges. She has that empathetic look. Her flowery summery shirt and colourful bracelet puts you at ease. She gives me advice. I love teachers who share. Who try to guide you. To find the answer. 

And did I find my answers? 

Some. Perhaps. I learned that there’s too much beauty that you can drown in it. You can literally become completely overwhelmed that you get a break from your own self sabotaging behaviours. 

You learn that there is still room to be hopeful. That each day can be different. That the sadness will still be there, but you will be able to experience other feelings too. 

You never know who you will meet and how this will shape your life in maybe 10 years time. You don’t know which piece of the puzzle they are giving you. But you know that like them, you are completing your endless puzzle, somehow. 

You learn that it is better to check the reviews on the Airbnb very carefully to see if someone mentioned a stone made mattress. Doing that will save you from unwanted back pain and a bad mood in the morning, which you will have to counterbalance with some tasty food and a lot of walking around to stretch. 

You learn that other people feel lost too. They fly from America to Europe because they feel stuck. And you can see they are nervous and fidgeting. Trying to stay calm and cheerful. But they would scream, if they could. You would like to tell them that they are allowed to scream if they wanted to. To cry.

You can see their pain through their eyes and would like to give them a hug. But you know that this might be too much. Also, you are shy after all and you have just met. So you just listen. You fight your own tiredness because after all, you know you are an introvert. You try to give them probably unwanted advice. You would like to know what would be the best thing to say. What actually would be beneficial for them. But you don’t really know them, so you tell them you have been there. But you don’t mention all the crying and sleepless nights. The years of struggle. The years… All the times you thought it was never getting better. All the shame. The guilt. The desperation. All the years trying different therapies. So many. All the numbness. That would be over sharing of course and It’s not something you do in a lovely trendy bar with turquoise walls. But you see the irony of it. The contrast in your mind. The facade that we all have to put up some time. So you just keep a polite smile and keep listening. And you wonder. Will he find what he is looking for? You hope he will, eventually. You hope he will find his dreams. He goes for some food. Food always helps. Better than a cup of tea, I guess. Especially if it’s Spanish or Italian food. 

So moral of the story (for now): nothing will heal you completely. But it’s still worth to fight. Because you really don’t know what could happen. You don’t know that someone you met the night before will wish you to have a nice flight in the morning. You can’t know that thanks to the random seat allocators, you will sit next to a lovely teacher who also likes reading in the original language. You can’t know that instead of having a panic attack on the plane, you will actually enjoy it. You can’t know that you will finally be able to focus on a book that you like and laugh at some funny jokes. You can’t know that you will still smile despite everything. Even if it’s for a brief moment. A moment that is worth waiting for.

Because you have intrisinc value and no one, literally no one ever, can take this away from you.

Ever.

It’s always there waiting for you to recognise it again. To say “hi”. To say “thank you for waiting for me while I was gone. I am back now”. 

I let go of the idea of you

I let go of the idea of you and I together

I will cherish the nice moments

I will remember the bad moments to learn from them

I let you go

Live

Find your happiness

I hope you will do well

I hope Life will be kind to you

I hope you will heal

I will cherish your excitement

Your will

Your big dreams

Your resilience

Your intelligence

Your creativity

I hope I could give you something

I hope you will cherish at least one positive thought about me

And if not, I hope more positive thoughts will come your way

I surrender

I accept

I radically accept the pain, the loss, the disappointment, the broken dreams…

I see them shattered

I don’t pick them up

I will let the wind take them away

Because they are not mine to keep

Nothing is mine

Not the past, not the present, not the future

Just Hope

Hope

I want to fill my heart with Hope

I want Hope to guide me

I want Hope to comfort me when the storm is too powerful

I want Hope to embrace me tightly and never let me go

I rest

Goodbye

Just one ball from one side to another

Just friends playing in the grass

Life is easy

No drama

Just the wind on my skin

The fresh air playing with my hair

A rhyme there

I smile

This is a smile for Life

Thank you for keeping me here 

Thank you for not letting me go

For giving me this moment of peace

For allowing me to smell the trees

To see the flowers

To see Hope

To feel this pull

Thank you for your optimism 

Thank you for all the beauty

Thank you for letting me be reborn again

Once more

Here again on this grass where everything started

I thank you Life for all the colours 

For the smells

The foods

The people who changed me

Even the people who hurt me

Thank you for being compassionate to me

For showing me the light

There’s always Light

Even in sorrows

I let go of the darkness 

I let go of guilt

I let go of sadness

I rest

I am here and I love you, Life

And that’s all that matters now

Delusion met Perfection at a coffe shop and they fell in love.

Such a turbolent passionate all consuming love.

They didn’t leave each other for days.

An endless vortex of feelings.

An inseparable bond.

Until one day Reality stormed in with no warning.

Delusion and Perfection stared at Reality.

They couldn’t stop staring.

They started to crumble.

The pain was real.

They quickly dissolved into nothingness.

Then Acceptance walked into the same coffe shop and invited Reality for a chat.

They talked for hours.

They compassionately listened to each other.

They didn’t crumble.

They faced their insecurities and their fears.

A new friendship was born and destined to last.

A new authentic relationship where there was room for flaws.

Room for discussion.

Room for growth.

Room for repair.

Room for real love.

There was a man with gray hair who lived in a gray town. The sky and everything around him were gray too. The sun was never too bright, the night never too black. And as you can guess at this point, all was gray and so were his feelings. He was neutral about everything and everyone. He was living a life of solitude and neutrality. He would do the same things every day over and over again without exception. ‘What a gray life I have!’ he would say. Even his jokes were neutral. He didn’t want anyone in his life and not many people would talk to him anyway. He would eat gray oats with gray milk every morning, a gray carrot soup with bread for lunch and a gray veggie soup for dinner. He grew his own food to avoid going to the nearby colorful towns. ‘They’re so eccentric, so ridiculous.. I am not going there ever again!’. But this gray man used to be a very different man. He had been in love with a kind lady named Vera. They loved each other so much and lived in a colourful town by a river. They would go traveling and exploring every time they had a chance. Their life together was a real adventure! They had been happy for many years, but one day Vera starting to notice that her clothes were loosing their brightness. Not so vivid colours any more. Little by little all her clothes and her skin turned gray. You couldn’t see her blue curious eyes any more. They had turned gray too. He grew very concerned about Vera. He tried to dye her clothes. He bought all the colourful foods he could find. He painted the house with the brightest colours. He changed all the furniture in their house to make it the most appealing shiny house ever… But, finally, all his efforts turned out to be in vain. One day Vera turned completely white. So pale and weak. She looked at him and said she couldn’t recognize herself anymore. “I have to go now”, she told him. He couldn’t see her anymore either. He stood there. He watched her leave him. As she was leaving, he started to become gray too. He knew he had to leave too. This colourful town wasn’t his home anymore.

Some people say he is still waiting for his Vera to come back to him. But most people say he became white too and left the gray town to go and explore the nearby monochromatic towns. Finally, looking for his soul, for his own truth, for Life itself.

Flying out

This intense craving to be understood

To be listened to

To be seen

Like a starving monster that devours your very own existence

It comes out for life

It craves life

It is life itself

Are we ever really here? 

Are we ever really alive? 

What does it mean to be alive? 

The monster didn’t answer

The monster just was

The monster is you

You are your own darkness

You are your own beauty 

And all this energy around

All this desire to be

What does move us? 

What does make us who we are? 

Are we a reflection of others’ people opinions? 

Are we a cocktail of randomly arranged circumstances? 

I embrace this crazyness

I embrace this energy 

I embrace what I cannot comprehend 

I just rest on this seat, surrounded by strangers who share my own fate 

My fellow travellers 

Kids on leash, business men with businesses clothes, coffee people, youngsters who crave fun, shiny youngesters, headphones people, backpack people, people with too many suitcases, people who choose comfort, matching cute couples, perfect hair people, confused babies, disconnected people, unconcerned people, duty free people, people with long stories, people with short stories, gym people, holiday people, bored hostesses, people who just want to go home to their comfort, people and people…

And I. 

Here I am. In my civilised clothes. Adapting, conforming, being with all of you. No better nor worse. 

I just am who I am. 

Hiding this shared secret like you. Feeling and sensing this energy. Or maybe just believing that I am actually capable of that. 

Hiding from the monster who is always watching over you. 

Life is a constant leap of faith. 

Let’s live it. 

Let’s go on holiday, shall we? 

Flying in

Here we are again. Official travelers. With a passport, a backpack, new stories and a bittersweet smile. For some more smiley, for some more bitter. 

Some people asked me: “so you’re a teacher, then?“. It felt good to hear those words, even though I know that the only real teacher is you, Life.

This is a love letter to you, Life. 

You are everything and no words can contain you.

You are that guy who travelled around Norway for 10 days eating only 6kg of cheese. You are that 18 year old who has decided to travel around the world to understand who he is. You are that lady from Germany who flies to Barcelona every weekend because she loves it here and can’t quit her job. You are that 35 year old man who thinks is too old to find a better job. You are that funny IT guy who wants to do music because why not?, you are that old lady walking around the streets, not rushing, not smiling, just minding her own business.

And there’s me. Feeling on holiday for the first time in ages. Feeling like I can do this. Feeling like I am just performing for myself. I don’t need to be funny, presentable, interesting or anything at all. No one cares. Especially I don’t care. My only job is to keep me here. 

When we have comfort, we seek discomfort. When we have nothing, we seek the essential. And when we have the essential, we seek more. When we have everything, we are bored.

Where is the balance? Where is the truth? 

Isn’t just being Here the greatest gift of all possible gifts? 

But we are still humans, we still crave. 

The monster doesn’t like to rest. 

Or maybe my monster used to be quieter, but now it’s awake. Now it sees everything. It needs to be taken care of. It needs a lot of attention. It needs to be soaked in kindness and safety. I can’t leave it on its own for too long. It needs the care it didn’t get when it was younger. Maybe my monster is me.

Maybe she is actually a “she”. Or maybe she is a part of me. I don’t know yet. I need more getaways for my monster. I need her to see the world. To show her that she can actually do it. To support her. To show her that she doesn’t need to be scared of herself. That all that happened was supposed to happen.

That every life is life. 

Energy is energy in all its forms. 

I feel you, Life. 

Just be, just be. 

And all this beauty around her soothed her pain.

She saw more and more of it. She wanted to be swallowed by it. To be one with it.

An instinct to be alive. Just to be.

She realised she had never been lost, after all.

If we can really be, feel this energy, feel this pull, just feel… I believe we can really fly. We can really embrace this powerful gift.