The abyss

She plunges into the abyss. She likes it there. She likes tormenting herself with questions that have no answers. She likes the uncertainty of it all. Because if she really knew, she would suffer.

People change. People never rest. She illudes herself that she is the narrator of her own story, whereas, in fact, she is the mere spectator.

She stuffs herself with sweet lies to survive, to live a little longer. She craves control.

She lets the pain in, for love. She feels, she breaths, she is everywhere and nowhere. She is bliss and darkness.

The abyss is her home and her comfort. Her everything. Her struggle and her truth.

But not all is darkness. Not all is lost. The beauty of it is life itself.

Nothing is more precious than the magnificence of light, even in the darkest of times.

Love

Love is generous. Love is worth taking a leap of faith for. Love can last forever in its pure form. Love is letting go of someone you can’t let grow. Love was my everything until I lost it. Until I realised I need to love myself first. Goodbye my first love. I let you go.

Storm of thoughts

I know there’s strength in ourselves. It’s there even in the darkest times.

I’m light and sorrow. Fear and confidence.

Not all advice is right for me, even when it seems to come from a good place.

Not everyone can truly understand.

Not everyone does really care.

Sometimes Love can be Selfishness.

I need to be careful. I cannot let it get to me.

Some people are not right for me and I’m not right for them.

And I accept that.

They’re trying the best they can.

As I’m trying my best to stay above water when everything wants to crash me down.

I am born again. I fight. I can feel the warmth of light even in the deepest cave.

I want to be my best friend.

I want to protect myself from harm. From harmful memories.

I want to let go of this feeling of guilt.

I was born to live my life. By design, I am free.

Even in my mental cage, I still remain free.

I fight to protect myself and sometimes I feel extreme fatigue because of it.

I am my own crystal.

Toxicity cannot penetrate me. It can make me feel wrong, but cannot break me.

At my core, I am Fire. I am Light. I am Steel.

I stay true to myself. To what I believe in.

I was born to search for my own truth.

I forgive myself.

I let go of resentment.

I will let myself Live.

I live my own life.

My own. Because it is indeed mine to live.

Guilt, Fear, Sorrow, Regret, I let you go. I set you free.

Because, finally, I want to be Free.

The levels of anxiety

I realised that, at least in my experience, I can identify different levels of anxiety. Sometimes they blend together but these are the main ones that I can point out.

There’s the one that I can almost ignore. It’s there but I don’t pay too much attention to it. I’m able to do my things, exercise, hang out, smile and work. I am so used to it that I don’t even stop to wonder why my palms are sweaty or why I struggle to sleep. I just think it must be normal.

There’s another one where I start to feel uncomfortable. I start to avoid situations and it does have an impact on my daily life. But I keep going. I’ve been like this since forever so it must be normal right? Right? Maybe not quite…

There’s another level where I start fearing the most absurd things. I look in the mirror and I start to doubt myself. Have I always had a not so straight nose? What’s wrong with the colour of my ears? What if….Followed by the most terrible events my mind can come up with. The awkward feeling intensifies and here’s the panic does kick in. A storm of adrenaline rushes through my body. I keep listening to the voice of panic and I am unable to see a way out. Forcing myself to think positive thoughts doesn’t help. They say it’s a gradual progression of thoughts that makes me feeling this way. But sometimes the escalation is so fast that I go from feeling quite calm to this primitive fear very quickly. It’s like this baseline of panic has been activated inside me and I don’t know how to slow it down…

I need help, I think. I need to escape. I can’t really escape. I try. I fail. I cry. I cry again. It doesn’t work. It’s not helping. Another spiral of negative thoughts. That’s the worst. Or is it really? What if I am going to be ok. You know I’m going to make it as last time where I thought I wasn’t able to. I can’t see a way out still, but new thoughts start popping up. It’s like they’re rescuing me. Or maybe I am rescuing myself. I never really understood what our self really is. Are we are thoughts? I don’t even know why I am thinking about this now. I should run. I should think about something normal. What about buying some groceries for dinner or when the next Season of The Witcher is coming up ? Great tv series by the way… Ok, I am here. I am in this moment. I can feel the couch. This is really happening. I am, despite what my mind tells me. And after what seemed a long time, the storm goes eventually…

It can leave me drained, upset but at some point I start to see life with its true colours. I must say that coping with it has not been particularly easy for me. I feel this pressure inside me. I feel guilty sometimes for feeling this way. For this irrational suffering. But at least it has taught me something. I have more empathy towards other people. I can imagine their pain and I hope they don’t feel guilty as I do sometimes. I hope they can find comfort. I hope we can all heal and live life with a more reasonable level of anxiety. I hope we can have a restful sleep at night.

I used to ignore my anxiety for most of my life. I was busy doing. I was so busy being anxious that I didn’t understand what was happening at a deeper level. I ignored it until I couldn’t ignore it anymore. But now I know. It’s difficult but I can truly see now. Now it’s time to start making my own decisions. To be comfortable with who I am and start to really love myself. It’s time to heal and let my inner child be free. Let my inner child feel loved by myself. Truly respected and cared for.

‘Now it’s time to start making my own decisions. To be comfortable with who I am and start to really love myself.’

Here’s a longer inner monologue, if you’d like to read it: https://lostinacting.home.blog/2019/12/16/storm-of-thoughts/

Inner monologue.

I think I look normal. Normal… I never liked that word. It’s just empty. Ok, I think I look like a person who doesn’t have adrenaline running through her body because of irrational fears. What would that person look like anyway? Mmmh… I don’t know. Anyway, no one said I look way too tired nor anxious. Or maybe they’re thinking it right now but are too afraid of saying it? Probably. Or maybe not… Everyone is busy minding their own business. Everyone is busy with their own inner monologues… Yes, of course… You know that… Oh, a person… Smile. Smile even if you feel so anxious that you can’t take normal breaths… Uuuh she smiled back. You did well. It was hard but you did it. She wants to talk. She is talking about being anxious about something. So see.. Other people get anxious too. You’re not the only one.

Share advice. Be supportive. You can do that. Oh she is funny. I like her smile. She does have a sense of humour too. I like that. She doesn’t like phone calls. Me neither. I am not the only one then… Text messages are much better. Oh shit, I forgot to reply to that email. Maybe I should do that now? No that’s rude. You can wait. You can and have to control your phone addiction. Yes, new resolution of the New Year… Wait, why did I have to wait a whole year to implement this resolution? Wait not doing an effort every day. It doesn’t matter which day… I could have done it in May, June, July… Oh no I am not sure what she said now… I am in my head. Focus… Focus.. Be interested in other people. It’s not always about you? Is it? Of course not… Oh maybe you’re smiling way too much. It must look weird. Or does it really? Who cares.

Possibly one of the best and simplest advice I’ve received in therapy.

Just keep walking.

A few months ago I was feeling so anxious that I was even scared of going out for a walk.

Yes, just a simple walk would trigger intense panic in me. My mind was so filled up with convincing fearful thoughts. “Oh I’m losing control”, I’am about to faint”. It wasn’t actually true but still, my mind sounded so convincing that after a 5 minute walk I would go straight home. It goes without saying that my fear of leaving the house was only getting worse…

Anxiety at this level is not a good place to be in and a stressed mind can make you fear things that you normally wouldn’t fear at all. I didn’t realise that this was actually possible until I experienced it myself. But with time I learned that it’s important to keep challenging fearful irrational thoughts.

I told this to my therapist. He replied to me: “Why don’t you just keep walking and see what happens?”.

Yes, what could have happened? Mmm… My scared mind had a long list of catastrophic possibilities just there for me to see vividly… Collapsing on the ground was a recurrent favourite. This thought would keep coming back over and over again possibly because it sounded terrifying every time it was brought to my attention. But wait a minute… What if my mind was actually wrong… What if I was actually going to be fine. It felt like a new thought was created in my universe of terror. And that little tiny hope gave me enough motivation to actually try. And I did try. I tried. I failed. I tried again. I was still having all these uncomfortable symptoms running through my body but the anger inside me kept me going. I was frustrated because something that seemed so simple in the past was now a great challenge. I felt ashamed. Frustrated. Tired of trying. Desperate.

My mind was very good at sabotaging me every time I tried to go a little further: “This is it. That’s the end for you”, “You’re not going to make it”, “You see, you can’t even breath properly”. But despite the fear I kept going a little bit further every time I had the courage to do it. And I was eventually finally able to say:

“Dear Mind, I believe you’re wrong. Let’s see what is really going to happen”.

No, it wasn’t enough to repeat that in my mind once not even twice, three, four times…. Not even a hundred times. But I kept challenging the irrational thoughts every time I could. In time and with patience the fear started to recede. I have to say it was a slow gradual process but eventually it started to get better. I can’t say it’s totally gone even to this day but it is at a much more manageable level.

After a while I was able to go for long walks but yet, I was still feeling unsatisfied with myself. I was feeling too drained to exercise and that was annoying for me. It seemed that when I was reaching a milestone, I was still unhappy about not being able to live at my full potential. Well, what does full potential even mean really? Anyway…

I was focusing on what I couldn’t do instead of what I was actually able to do in the moment. But I finally managed to come to terms with that somehow. I learned that it’s ok to go for a walk instead of a run if I only had 3 hours sleep that night. And no, it’s not helpful to compare myself with the lives of professional athletes or people who claim to exercise almost every day. It’s not realistic for me at the moment but it doesn’t mean that it won’t improve one day. And it’s ok if I can only do a 10 minute workout instead of a 40 minute one. It’s still better than spending time complaining on the couch that I don’t have the energy to do the workout I’d like to do, isn’t it?

In other words, I am now learning to listen to my body with more compassion and challenge myself if I believe it’s the right thing to do and rest if I need to. It’s not always easy but I am trying.

What did you learn from therapy? What did you find frustrating in your journey?

When a dream inspires a story. The beast of the forest.

This morning I’ve woken up with a vivid image in mind. I’ve been dreaming a lot in the last few days but this morning in particular this image stayed with me for longer than usual as if it wanted to tell me something. As I left my bed, I knew I wanted to write a story about a lonely creature but I didn’t quite know what the story was going to be about. The first thing I’ve done was to scribble down a few notes. Then after having breakfast, I’ve felt an urge to write and here’s the result.

Once upon a time there was a beast. The beast had been abandoned by his owner for too many moons to count. So much time had passed that his once shiny black fur became rusty and grew to cover the whole forest by the village. It was believed that he had fiery wide eyes and a jaw of steel. His head was three times the size of a human head and his claws were sharp long knives. They said his anger consumed him so much that he had no appetite for anything at all. The children of the nearby village were not allowed to play anywhere near the forest nor take any path too close to it. To tell the truth, no one would go near the forest for fear of seeing the beast. It was said that the few people who had seen the beast even for a few seconds left the village and never returned. It was said they had never felt such profound sadness in their lives. Somehow the encounter with the beast had changed them forever.

There were different stories about his owner. Some narrated that he was a writer who became tired of his lonely life and left in search of new adventures. Others say that he was an angry man with no job who was forced to leave the village. But the most common one tells a story of a lovely young man who worked as a carpenter in the little house by the forest. He was a kind person. He would make nice wooden toys for the kids in the village at any time of the year. For many years he was content with his quiet good life and was respected by the villagers. As the time passed, the kids grew up and stopped playing with toys. They all moved to bigger towns and the village was left with no children. The carpenter struggled to find work for many years as the village didn’t need any more wooden toys nor furniture. No one asked for him for days. Days became weeks, months and years. A deep loneliness grew inside him making him unable to rest. A version of this story says that one dark night he decided to go for a long walk and never came back.

Some stories add that a few days later, a young lady came back to the village. She was visiting her parents and remembered the kind man who lived by the forest. She decided to pay him a visit. She searched for him in the house and the forest but was unable to find him. She couldn’t find any trace of him but, as she approached the back garden, she saw the back of a tiny fluffy puppy. As she took a step closer, his size quickly started to change. He was now twice the size of an average human. His bulging eyes filled with tremendous rage looked at her as if to devour her. There was a moment of silence until he starting barking so loudly that the trees were shaking too. She froze from terror for a second then ran away as fast as ever in her life. Even after many years she still couldn’t forget the sinister evil barks that she heard that day. Since that incident, no one dared going by that house ever again. Some people called him an evil monster, others a mutant, but he was commonly known as the Beast of the Forest.

One day, a brave strong old man who lived in a village nearby decided to do something about the situation. As a kid he remembered the forest as a place of beauty and peace. But for way too long the forest had been hunted by the beast. He went alone into the forest with a chain of steel that apparently had been used for Giants many centuries before and was considered indestructible. He soon found the beast and, attacking him from behind, he managed to chain him to the strongest and biggest oak tree in the forest. He thought about killing him but the beasts’ ferocious eyes locked with his and he couldn’t do it.

There was something so unearthly and extremely sorrowful about this creature that he decided to just leave him there.


The man was unable to sleep for five nights straight after that event. Eventually, as the thought of the beast became weaker he managed to get on with his life. But the nightmares would still haunt him.
One night he had a very lucid dream about the Beast of the Forest. He saw him again so vividly. His eyes full of rage were looking for him. The beast was running towards him so fast that he finally broke the chains. He paused for a long moment looking into the man’s eyes. Then he suddenly woke up covered in sweat and with a fast beating heart. He knew he had to go back to the beast. He didn’t sleep nor eat until he got to the forest after two days of travel. The beast was waiting for him. He had always been. He looked fatigued but still had a fierce appearance. His fur was almost worn out and he could barely walk. He didn’t move as he approached him. Now, only a few steps separated the two of them. The man kneeled down. He wanted to say something but was unable to…


His eyes didn’t look threatening any more. The man soon realised the beasts’ eyes were full of tears. He started crying too. As he carefully moved a little closer, all he could see was a sweet tiny puppy. The man hugged him and finally fell in a deep restful sleep. When he woke up the beast wasn’t there nor he could see any trace of him. The only things left were the man and the heavy chain still intact around the tree. No one saw the beast or heard of him ever again.
Since then the man was able to peacefully sleep every night.

As a kid he remembered the forest as a place of beauty and peace. But for way too long the forest had been hunted by the beast.

Do your dreams inspire the stories you write?

Storm of thoughts. A talk with myself.

I decided to write without judgement. I didn’t have a specific objective in mind but I felt I needed to do it. Here’s the result:

I’m a… Am I really? I think I am. Just thoughts… Am I my own thoughts? I feel lonely. I don’t feel real. This doesn’t feel real. I feel negative. I feel like I can’t rest. I feel tired, stressed and upset. Nowhere to hide. Nowhere to rest. Nowhere to be. I am a drop in the ocean or The Ocean? Am I an ocean to myself? An Ocean of thoughts, fears, dreams and humour… I am all of these things. I hope Hope is not lost.

I’m fire. I’m water. I’m dust. I am powerful dust flying over fire and living under water. I am the ocean of all the eyes that judged me. I’m my own spirit inside-out. I’m more than jealousy. I’m stronger than envy. I’m the power inside me. I’m the dreams I didn’t care for. I’m this and that. I’m the smile that doesn’t lie. I’m not lies. I’m truth. I’m the truth that causes pain. I’m the mystery of life. I am a stranger, a sister, a girlfriend…

I’m the sun that doesn’t rise when the storm is too powerful. I’m the sun on a peaceful morning with coffee and pastries. I’m alive in this and all the past moments. I’m the moment that never comes. I’m shy. I’m the shy that doesn’t tell. I’m the shy that sits on stones. I’m stone and fire. I’m the stone about to break. If it breaks, everyone will hear it. I’m the fear of walking naked in the streets. I’m a bitch, a star… I’m my consciousness. I’m the little girl who is tired after days of early calls. I’m the girl who’s smiling on the tree. I’m freedom stained by fear. I’m the power of life. I’m strength. I’m the brick that doesn’t break. I’m the stick under the tree waiting to be picked up. I’m the loneliness of the ocean. I’m the power of waves crashing, stumbling… I’m no one and everything.

I’m the sun that doesn’t rise when the storm is too powerful

I’m made to live, endure and fear.

I’m made to think. I’m made to sleep. I’m made to rest. I was made out of fear. I was made for reasons. I was a contract… I’m fearless and a storm. I’m the storm you fear. I fear the storm.

I’m in this moment, looking for a way out. I’m looking for a way to be.

I’m looking for the freedom in that child’s eyes. I’m looking for myself. I’m looking for that dust of happiness. I’m looking for forgiveness. I’m looking to forgive myself. I’m looking to be… I’m looking for a place of comfort. I’m looking for freedom. I’m looking at least… I’m perfect. I’m shattered in pieces. I’m saved. I’m unsafe. I’m strong. I’m numbness with an armour. I’m the wind in your air. I’m the power of my life. I’m stories. I’m my past. I’m the hate between family members. I’m in and out of my family. I’m in and out of myself. I’m the friend that doesn’t lie. I’m envy and power. I’m the last question at the end of an exam.

I’m secure. I’m safe. I’m breathing and I’m fire. I’m the story to be told. I’m a train of long intricate thoughts. I’m the New Year of Lost Dreams. I’m sparkling rainbow dust in the universe. I’m sense and fear. I’m no one. I’m the story behind the script.

I love you. I love you so much that I can’t let you go. I can’t end… No matter how much it hurts.

I’m the fear of sleeping in the darkness. I’m my own darkness. I’m light. I’m the light. I’m the light that breaks the chains of fear.

When was the last time you had a conversation with yourself? What did you talk about?

Skies. Memories. Feelings.

I look at the bright white sky. I feel more comfortable. It gives me some space to think. It reminds me of the first time I moved to the UK. I had not seen white skies very often back then. But I still like them now. I feel that they want change as I do. They have a desire for it, but they can’t quite yet. They also need to take their time. They don’t stay forever. They will change. It’s their nature. I thought I knew myself but I was wrong. I have a gray sky in me sometimes. It’s filled with empitness. It smells of dust and forgotten dreams.

Some days I like the rain. It reminds me of milk, biscuits and childhood. Back then I would stand by the window to watch the rain for hours.

Other days I can imagine a tranquil blue sky in me and the gray sky is less powerful. I start to see life with its true colours. I can smell hope and homemade cake again.

Colours

A short story inspired by colours and some other things.

‘Colours. Your head is full of colours. Why can’t you just pick one? I’m tired of having to wash them seperately. We used to agree all the time… Red. Red was the only colour in our lives. Why did you decide to change it to blue then green, yellow… It’s just chaos! I cannot stand your silence, please say something! Why are you laughing now? This isn’t funny. I need to leave for a bit. I need some air. You don’t let me breath! And please think about what I said.’

Storming out the house, her head was bright red. She didn’t look back. She had no idea where she was going but her legs wouldn’t stop. She could see a light in the distance but was way too bright for her. No, that wasn’t the right path. The thick dark forest looked more inviting. She wanted to be swallowed. She couldn’t contain it anymore. She had to let it go once and for all. She ran as fast as she could until her legs couldn’t have it any longer. She couldn’t breath. She stopped at the oak tree. He seemed happy to see her. Her face was no longer red. She turned gray. Her mouth was white. She needed to sit down and rest. Her back on the tree, she was now starting to breath slower…

They say her face turned colourless as her eyes started to become brighter and brighter…


Sometimes a feeling inspires a story, other times a story can bring a feeling to life. Or I can think of a story but I don’t really have a predominant feeling that inspires it. For this short story, I followed the feeling before I could see the story. Creative writing is something that I discovered very recently and helps me to put into words what I would be unable to express otherwise. When I started to write this story I was inspired by the picture of an old couple dressed in funny colourful clothes. The woman looked stern while the man seemed pleased with himself. At first, I thought I was writing about this couple when I realised that I was actually writing about a personal inner conflict. For me this story represents the inability to choose or change. Or the difficulty to accept something that has suddenly changed and the impossibility to go back. The need to find roots and a safe place to rest. The need to let go and think. A new brighter beginning that can only be achieved by facing the dark forest.

She had to let it go once and for all…