Stillness of the body vs racing of the mind.

In acting there are different kinds of stillness. Stillness can be powerful. It can be the moment before everything changes. The turning point of a story. Stillness can also mean a calm mind. Stillness can mean anger. Stillness can mean tiredness and so many other things.

My experience with stillness has been a bit complicated lately. I realised that my anxiety doesn’t like stillness. So that’s why I am trying to practise it a little bit more every day. Sometimes I delude myself in believing that keeping busy will prevent my anxiety from showing up. But the truth is that it can delay it or actually make me feel even more stressed out sometimes. On the other side, if I am not busy enough my overthinking prevails. It’s a very difficult balance.

Stillness.

From time to time I work as a portrait model for drawing classes. It means that I have to sit still in front of a few people for about an hour before I can have a little break. I didn’t have problems in the past when my anxiety was at a reasonable level but recently this kind of stillness triggers many unwanted symptoms. The other day I was sitting for about a minute and almost automatically I started to pay attention to the usual thought “there’s something wrong with you”. Followed by “I’m losing control”, “what if I have a panic attack and they have to stop the session for me”, “what if I can’t control my panic attack”… Very soon I can feel the rush of adrenaline, my heart beating fast but yet, I stay still. I don’t want to give in to my anxiety. I need to show my subconscious that there’s nothing to be afraid of. I don’t need to run. It’s extremely uncomfortable but I don’t move. It’s another trick. Yet again it feels very real to me and very scary. I feel dizzy. I try deep breathing but it’s already too late. I need to let the storm pass. I don’t move. I try to count to 100 in French to distract myself. Maybe this will take my mind occupied for a bit. My mind keeps taking me back to the feeling of panic but the time eventually goes by. I know that it will pass eventually. I will survive this time like all the other times it happened. My mind replies “what if this time is different?”. You don’t have proof! There’s no evidence to back you up, I think. I am not believing in this well crafted trick, Mind. I have almost won and then boom! The worst possible scenario is shown to me. I can see myself standing up from the chair with sweaty hands and shaky legs. I tell everyone that I am sorry but I need to leave. I can feel their eyes on me. They are confused. I keep running down the corridor. The teacher is also very confused and asks me what is happening to me. I am so sorry, I am just having a panic attack, I just need to run… Mmmh wait a minute. Just wait a minute, Mind. I know what you’re doing. You do want to protect me, I know. But we are safe here. If we leave now, it’s only a temporary relief. We can do it. Thanks for the film about the worst possible scenario ever. Amazing acting, very vivid images as usual. Light was on point, good direction of the extras… But no, we are not going anywhere… I’ve won. I start to be able to breath normally again. My heart rate is returning to normal. An hour passes by and I tell myself “congratulations, you didn’t let your anxiety win for the 10000000 time again.”

Little anecdote. One of the people at the drawing class approached me after the session complimenting me for my stillness. I said ‘thank you’ but instead I wished to say “well, you have no idea how hard I had to fight to stay still eh eh”. I wanted to laugh.

Humor is what helps me in these circumstances. It’s not always easy but it’s one of the ways that makes my life easier. I can have an anxiety crisis and still allow myself to laugh about it. There are still things that I find hard to laugh about, but I hope I will be able to one day.

Dreams

If I don’t grow them, they weaken. If they weaken, it might seem like they don’t belong to me anymore. But it doesn’t mean they are not my dreams anymore. Dreams are very delicate. An intention is not enough for them to fully grow. They need to be shown love and purpose. They need to feel worthy. Otherwise, they fade. They stop being as vivid as the moment they were born. Actions are more powerful than a wish to make them stronger. They need respect. I need to give them a reason to stay.

I must take some time to really look at them… And check if I am trying to live someone else’s dreams…

Are these really my dreams? What would my inner child say about them?

Deep down I know the truth. I just tell myself other stories. I think about other dreams because I am too scared to live my life fully. But now I am aware of it and maybe I can train myself to dream again. Dream in the right way. I need to let them stay this time. I have to learn how to love them.

Can you see your dreams?

Notes to my anxious self.

A thought is just a thought. I can choose how to interpret it.

Taking action is more effective than sitting on the couch and complaining about how low and anxious I feel. Sometimes, however, I just enjoy having a couch-potato day and watching Netflix. Two days in a row… Maybe not so good for me.

Recovery from severe anxiety is a gradual process. Sometimes, I just wished I could wake up and feel my ‘usual’ self again. Nope. Well, Rome was not built in a day… Was it? Who knows. Well, I wasn’t there but I am pretty sure it wasn’t. So I can’t expect changes to happen overnight. I need to keep challenging my fears until they don’t make me feel so anxious anymore.

Sometimes the best I can do to feel a bit better is just going out for a walk. As simple as it might sounds, it actually works quite well for me. I couldn’t see so much of a difference when I was at the peak of my anxiety, but still I could notice a little improvement. So, I just kept going for a walk even if it was just a 10 minute walk.

Trying new things helps to take my mind off racing thoughts. Some of the things that help me are: acting, dancing, creative writing, reading and singing. They aren’t a quick fix but they are definitely improving my confidence and reducing my anxiety little by little.

It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to laugh. It’s ok to smile…

Exercising! The first time I exercised again, I didn’t really have a lot of fun. I wanted to see improvements fast in my physical performance, but especially in my mental health. Again, my expectations were way too high. But although there were days when I didn’t feel like exercising at all, I kept trying again and again. I finally exercise more regularly and can see more improvements both mentally and physically.

Spending too much time by myself can increase my anxiety. Asking a friend to meet up is a better option.

Try to make the best of each day, even when you’re feeling low or it’s raining outside. Use the couch-potato day card only when you really don’t see other options, see second point above.

Do the things you used to enjoy, you will start enjoying them again at some point. If not, that’s ok. Just try new things! 😀

You’re not alone even if you feel this way sometimes.

I am allowed to follow my dreams and can define my own idea of success.

It’s normal to have bad and good days. Focus on the good days as much as possible.

I’m not losing control even though my anxious mind is telling me otherwise.

Depersonalisation is just a feeling. Yes, it can be very uncomfortable but I’m going out and living my life anyway.

What are the things that help you when you’re feeling anxious?

Step by step… Working on a braver self.

Some of the things I am grateful for.

I am grateful for being able to make someone laugh. I thought I had lost this ability.

I am grateful when a stranger smiles back at me. It’s not always easy to smile, especially if you’re having a bad day. So whoever you are, thanks for gifting me with a smile. (Hope it wasn’t a creepy one..ha ha ha)

I am grateful for the people that look at me into my eyes when I talk to them. (I don’t mean in an aggressive way… eh eh). You’re brave and kind. Thanks for really listening to me.

I am grateful for a sunny day in England after a windy cold day. You really help lift my mood a lot.

I am grateful for being alive. Sometimes, I take if for granted. I don’t know where my living energy is coming from but WOW, thank you. I don’t know the right words to describe this feeling and maybe they still need to be invented?

I am grateful for all the colours I can see. You’re beautiful. You brighten up my day. I used to dress in pink all the time when I was a child. I still love pink but I do enjoy dressing in other colours too now.

I am grateful for all the languages in the world and the sounds that we can make. I like experimenting with strange accents and sounds when creating new characters for a play. It’s fun and freeing!

I am grateful for having loved very much and being loved. I am still struggling to have loving feelings due to my PTSD, but I appreciate when I can feel a little something here and there. It will take time, I know. For now I just want to be grateful for having the ability to love in myself, even though it’s hidden under many layers of other feelings.

I am grateful for being able to enjoy reading. When I was feeling very anxious my short term memory didn’t allow me to enjoy reading, but I kept reading a bit every day and recently I have just finished “The Night Circus”. It’s the most beautiful magical creative book I have ever read so far.

I am grateful for all the plays and films that have been made. It’s not easy to put on a play or make a movie. Thanks for taking a risk and for your imagination.

I am grateful for my sense of humour. You helped me to get through some difficult moments.

I am grateful for being me even though sometimes I forget to be grateful for it, it feels good to write it down.

What are the things you’re grateful for?

I am grateful for being born in the countryside and for all the sweet-sad memories attached to it…

If I were like the clouds.

When I don’t know what to draw I like to go out and look at the sky. I like to draw clouds and without thinking too much about what I’m seeing, I give my interpretation of them. I just really try to go with the feeling. It’s a little exercise that helps me to take my mind off racing thoughts.

The clouds change constantly. It made me think that this is true for every single moment in our lives. Every moment is unique. We as people are too, but sometimes I personally forget. I don’t feel I’m good enough. I don’t see myself as a work-in-progress anymore, but as a finished product that cannot be improved.

Maybe I should aim to become more like the clouds. Always evolving, always perfect in their changing nature. Always striving to just be.

The fear of fear.

I had experienced mild anxiety in the past but never so severely. If six months ago someone told me that this was going to happen to me, I would have just said that it was very very unlikely. Well, I was wrong. From being a person that would book a flight to an unknown destination 10 days prior, I became scared and paranoid of my own face. I keep saying that this happened to me quite quickly but the truth is that I had been building up to it for many years. Five months ago I wasn’t ready to write about it but now, I am. The esclation to severe anxiety started with a very common physical illness. Because of it I couldn’t leave the house nor exercise so the anxiety started to kick in. I think it was the last straw. What if I will never be able to work again? What if this illness gets worse and I die? What if I will never be myself again? And the list goes on… I felt trapped in a cage. I was isolated even though I didn’t want to. I was really tired all the time so it was hard to do some leisure activities like painting or drawing. I started to get very concerned about my physical symptoms to the point where I thought there was something really wrong with me. It all escalated in paranoid thoughts and eventually panic attacks. After the first one, I was worried I was going to have another one. I felt panicky for days until I had my second one. This was more severe and it lasted for at least one hour and left me totally exhausted. I couldn’t sleep for one day. I slept two hours another day. And really not many hours the following days. I lost weight even though I was eating more than usual. I was so aware of my heart rate all the time and I felt like I needed to escape impending danger even when there was no apparent reason. Every little physical symptom started to become a real cause for concern. I couldn’t think of anything else. I felt trapped in my own body.

The worst was feeling detached from my body and my emotions. It felt like I was constantly losing control. I thought I was about to lose my mind. Well, even though all of these things didn’t happen, they felt real and likely to happen for my mind.

I cried a lot but I couldn’t feel sadness or any other emotion. I was numb and exhausted…

I thought I couldn’t trust myself. ‘What ifs’ started to become more severe. I was scared of leaving the house to meet up with a friend. I have to say that I’ve never ever felt so fearful to the point of staying home. It didn’t feel like me at all.

I didn’t feel like my usual self at all…

Today after receiving professional help, I ‘m doing better. It still feels like there’s a rocky path ahead but I believe that it will get better. Looking back I still think of some experiences as being a bit traumatic but not as much as before. And yes, the panic attacks are not totally gone. Sometimes, when I’m performing daily activities I can still see vivid images running through my mind to the point where everything I’m doing is happening in autopilot. It is a bit scary but I also know that this is part of my recovery. There’s still a lot of negativity in my thinking but there’s also hope for a better future. A better and stronger me.

I have to say that therapy really gave me a huge help but acting and creativity are doing the rest. After at least two months of staying home almost all the time, one day I decided to go out on my own. I know that it seems like a small thing but it felt like a big deal to me at that time. I was still having panic attacks on a regular basis and the thought of leaving the house was pretty scary. Anyway my inner strenght prevailed. It was covered by thick layers of stress but still it was there for me. Yes, I was really numb and desperate but at the same time I realised that staying home was not helping me. I left the house and the only thing I wanted to do was crying. I decided to go to the park because even though I felt very detached from my friends, my boyfriend and my family… I could actually feel some sort of connection to Nature. I was so nervous that I was struggling to breath but I kept walking. I kept walking in the park and a stranger must have thought that I wasn’t doing well as she stopped to ask me if I were ok. It felt nice. It felt like it silenced my pain for a little instant. Well, not much later I randomly met a guy who works in the acting industry. He asked how I was and I gave him a standard “I’m fine”, even though I was a mess really… He told me about a theatre group. After a lot of overthinking, I decided to send an email to join the theatre group. It wasn’t a simple decision but I was really tired of the situation I was in so I wanted to give it a try. I was worried that I wasn’t going to be able to stand an audience or make anyone laugh anymore. I was wrong. Theatre is a different dimension for me. I can use my pain. I can release my frustration. I practise being present. I realised that ‘yes’ I am still funny after all. It was surprising to hear someone laugh for something I said on stage after being so low. It gave me some relief. Step by step I started to give myself at least a challenge every day. Sometimes, the hardest thing was finding the courage to smile at a stanger or leave the house. I didn’t always succeed but I kept going. I kept trying to go a little further.

Sometimes my smile on the outside was just hiding the chaos in the inside…

Today I can’t say I am past all of the negative thinking and fear that have accompanied the last few months of my life but I am making positive changes. It is a start. I am attending acting workshops again. I go to see theatre shows as much as I can. I’m painting more than ever. Even though I wasn’t really enjoying these activities very much at first, I have to say it is getting better. As my therapist says “Do the things that you used to enjoy. You will start enjoying them again at some point”. The first time I started painting again I was really nervous and didn’t really enjoy it. But little by little it is getting improving. Also, I’m part of a creative writing group and I finally exercise more thanks to improved sleep. The panic is still a bit there but it’s getting weaker. Also, I realised that I’m surprisingly funny when I am really angry as a clown…eh eh. It has a really therapeautic effect on me which is always a bonus. I’m letting my frustration out in the open I guess!

I am proving to myself that I am still me. I’ve been myself all along actually. I’m just going through a pretty difficult moment in my life. Anxiety does not define me. The choices I make and how I deal with it do. I will keep training as a perfomer. I will keep following my gut. I will keep pursuing my intention even when nothing seems to go to plan. One day I will make a performance about it. It will be in the style of clowning with a sprinkle of comedy and I hope to gather information about the experiences of other people struggling with anxiety in order to make a more comprehensive show. I want to let people know that they’re not alone. I hope it will help them heal. I hope it will give them some relief as the stranger who smiled at me in the park when I was at my lowest.

My favourite tv series & Films.

What I usually look for in a film is authenticity, creativity and an interesting message. But from time to time I just like a fun light movie to relax and laugh a bit! In general, I can say I have an eclectic taste in films but there some genres that I prefer the most. In particular, I do enjoy science fiction, comedy, indie films, animation and fantasy.

Rather than giving a review for each film or a summary of the plot, I’m listing them here to share with you how a little thought for each of them.

Once Upon a Forest.

This takes me back to when I was a child and is the first animation film I remember watching as a little girl. I love traditional animation and the nostalgia that comes with. It’s a sweet sad story that made me emotional every time I watched it. It tackles an environmental theme and the effect that Man can have on Nature. It’s about friendship, adventure, fear, courage and kindness. I like its dreamy feeling and the message of the story.

Mr Nobody.

“As long as you don’t choose everything remains possible”. That’s a quote from this romantic sci-fi film that is still stuck in mind. I often struggle with making choices and overthinking so this film resonated with me quite a bit. Also, I really liked the acting, the photography and the surreal feeling that is present in the film.

Under the Skin

I took me a few days to really appreciate this film. I am not sure there was a real intention to communicate something specific but it definitely made me feel something. In a way, I think it represents a sort of documentary of humanity from an alien perspective. What is really ‘normal’ ? We perceive things in ‘normal’ way only because we are accustomed to it or we’re told to believe that this is how it should be.

Inception

I’m really fascinating by the world of dreams and well… Leonardo DiCaprio! (my first love as a teenager) eh eh.. Anyway, I think it’s a really interesting film about loss, love and the world of our subconscious mind. Still wondering about the end. In general, I am not a super fan of endings that are not very clear but in this case I think I certainly make an exception.T

In Bruges

The funny thing is that after watching it, my boyfriend and I decided to fly to Belgium and visit Bruges for a few days…ha ha.. Really lovely city with a of romantic feeling to it I’d say. This film made me feel different emotions: bit awkward and amused at the same time. Film with an interesting plot.

Shaun of the Dead

Funny parody of a zombie movie. Also if you want to go a bit deeper there’s nice message beyond the messy zombies… I think it’s like a metaphor about feeling stuck and needed a push to change things.

The Lord of the rings

I can’t say I now remember the story very well as I watched it a while ago but I can say it was just very impressive. The set, the actors, the CGI…Basically everything.

Blue is the warmest Colour

I really liked the acting in this film. It feels authentic and moving. Love is a very complicated topic and the way in was depicted in this film was very captivating. I wish there was a sequel.

Favourite TV Series!

Master of None

An entertaining tv series with which I could relate to. Every character feels original and interesting.

The Durells

I liked how women are portraited and the light humour. I do appreciate how spontaneous the acting feels. Some shots only just focus on a close-up or a little smile. They speak more than words to me. It’s set in the lovely Corfu too.

Sherlock Holmes

Really great acting. I don’t think I’ve read any books on Sherlock yet but I enjoyed the tv series nonetheless.

Call my Agent (Dix pour Cent)

Fun and light tv series. I really hope there’s going to be a new season soon. In this tv series as well I liked how women are depicted and the original storyline.

Sense 8

Amazing locations and plot. I was a bit confused after watching the very first episode but I got more into it as the story starts to develop.

The Office (British one)

Some people say it was too cringey in some instances but I didn’t think so. I actually quite liked the moments of awkwardness. I did like ‘Extras’ as well by the same director.

Black Mirror

Every episode is always challenging but thought-provoking at the same time. It made reflect on the power of technology and how it can really affect our lives.

Well, that’s all for now! I will update it in the future, if need be.

What are your favourite tv series/films? 🙂

My pros and cons of working as an extra.

I mainly do theatre but I do enjoy working as an extra from time to time. As a little source of income but also for the reasons I wrote below.

At some point, I’d like to apply for speaking roles but for now I am quite happy playing a passerby in the long distance or a nurse in the corridor. Why? At the moment, I am more interested in theatre. Also, I don’t have much training in acting for camera but I know I want to develop it more in the future. So we’ll see!

What I like about it.

It’s always different.

It’s rare that I have to do the same scene for more than one day. The scene, the location, the crew, my role usually change every time. Even if I get to play the same role for it’s always in a different environment and with different people. Also, It’s interesting to see how different crews work and all the details that are taken care of in each scene.

2. Discovering new places even for a short period of time.

In several occasions I had to travel to quite remote places. I couldn’t spend much time visiting them but it was nice to see small villages that I wouldn’t have normally discovered. Also, I had the chance to see other parts of the city I live in.

3. Learning about acting for camera.

Before working as an extra I didn’t really know what it was like to act in front of a camera. In theatre you work with a live audience and you experience things in a very different way. I didn’t realise that in films or ads every little detail counts. Sometimes a scene needs reshooting just because the light wasn’t quite right. In theatre you would just carry on and improvise if the wrong light was on. This is just a small example but there’s definitely a lot to be said about these two different artistic media.

4. Being different characters.

Even though my role as a background artist can’t really be considered ‘acting’ or extremely creative; having to wear different costumes and doing specific actions make me feel part of the unreal world that the film crew has created. For this reason I really like being part of period dramas as I get to wear old stylish costumes.

5. Quite an easy job.

For the roles I’ve applied so far it was quite easy to follow directions and remember queues. I’m guessing it would be more challenging for jobs that require special skills etc… But in my case I am happy with it.

6. Meeting interesting people.

Most of the people that do extra work have a daytime job or a schedule flexible enough to fit background work in it. I usually like to chat with them and discover a bit about their world. I would say that you can meet interesting people anywhere but waiting for long hours together make it easier to make connections. So far I met a lovely lady who made arts and crafts for a living who was actually knitting before going on set, a guy who was studying media and was about to launch his radio show, a young woman who wanted to get into acting and had her own youtube channel, a retired nice old lady who was working as an extra as a hobby and the list goes on 🙂

7. Last but not least: I just like being on set!

As already said, I like feeling part of something creative and do something a bit out of the ordinary. I like waking up in the morning and thinking that I’m going on set. I don’t know how to explain it but I guess I simply like the thrill of it.

Well, here we go… What I don’t like about working as an extra.

It can be tedious sometimes.

I know this might sound like a contradiction but there were times where I had to sit for hours and was not even asked to go on set. The good side is that I get paid anyway as long as I am there on time for my call time. So I would say that it’s not too bad after all. Waiting times before going on set can be long too.

2. Early and late call times.

I have to say that I don’t have a car so it is sometimes a bit challenging for me. Some time ago for example, I slept about 3 hours because I needed to catch a very early train. Other times I simply couldn’t apply for the job because it was a night shoot.

3. Filming in adverse weather conditions.

Sometimes the filming happens in adverse weather conditions. Rain, cold, snow, wind… A few weeks ago I was wearing many layers but it didn’t quite help because of how cold it was where we were filming. So I have to admit this isn’t very fun.

4. Not a reliable source of income.

If I am lucky I can get a job or two but not really more than that. Also, I am not always suitable for certain castings. I am only with one agency which requires exclusive representation so I can’t join other agencies at the moment so it might be different for people who are with more than one.

That’s all I had to say for now! I will update it in case something else comes to mind.

Have you ever worked as an extra? How was your experience? 🙂

Feeling stuck and finding motivation again.

Just a thought about the last few days…

There are moments when I am not even sad nor happy but I just feel apathy. It seems like I am passively getting by and not really thinking creatively any more. This happens when I lose sight of the big picture. When I forget what it feels like to be on stage, make someone laugh, tell a story you care about or create that play that otherwise would not exist.

In these moments I feel like I am not good enough for any audition out there. It might be true that in some occasions that audition was not right for me, but thinking that I should give up before even trying is counter-productive. So I simply try to ignore that feeling as much as I can by simply reminding myself of why I wanted to be a performer in the first place.

In practical terms, I try to send that email that I saved in my drafts days before, I try to join the gym again or sign up for that masterclass I had seen the other day.
Sometimes I succeed, others I don’t but, as long as I keep trying, I am ‘ok’ with myself and can move on. Yes, I’d like to be more focused without going through these moments but I am working on it!

…Moments when I am not even sad nor happy but I just feel *apathy*.

Some other times I just wish I was a totally difference person. I tell myself how easier it would be if I could be a logical person with great math skills and get “a normal secure perfect job”. The truth is I am the first to believe that this is b…sh… ‘smashed potatoes’ and it is only a down moment of my week that will pass. Why should I waste my life trying to be someone I am not? It doesn’t make any sense and for sure I wouldn’t be satisfied with it.

In conclusion, I will keep trying. Trying to be a better person and hopefully a better actress. I know these blue moments will keep coming but as long as I keep fighting them I will be on the right track.

The moments of clarity

In the moments of clarity, I am able to listen to the good voice. The voice that tells me to keep going. Keep training, keep getting stronger, keep learning and enjoying life! If I let the bad voice take over, then I would be lost. I would bury my dreams and find an ordinary job.

I learned over the years that the dreaming voice is always there. It seems silent sometimes but if you really listen, you will hear it.

What’s the point of giving up? What’s the point of faking happiness in an ordinary life? I am unique. You are unique. There’s no one in the world like me or you. Why do we need to be like anyone else when we can be ourselves?

Clown workshops: having the best and worst time.

Going to a workshop can feel exciting as well as a bit daunting; especially if you don’t know the person leading it or it is something far from your comfort zone. The description about the workshop might not be clear enough and you could be wondering if it will be worth it or if it is relevant to what you’re looking for.

In my opinion, if the session has something to do with acting, props making and particularly clowning, I am up for it.

The good thing is that you always learn something new and even if you don’t enjoy it, then you have learned that maybe it is not for you or you were not ready for that challenge at that particular time. I try to go to a workshop with an open mind and try my best to stay focus and enjoy it. Most of the workshops I go to are in the evening and I don’t always feel very energetic to really take part in them but I guess that I am often able to discover something different and add it to my baggage of experiences.

That being said, I must say that I had to drop out of a series of workshops because I was really finding them boring and I felt like I was not improving at all. There are moments where I regret that decision because I don’t like to leave tasks unfinished but I am learning that sometimes it is ok to do so. Sometimes I also found better opportunities after dropping out of something that was not motivating me, other times not though.

I believe that some decisions felt right for the time being and overthinking them makes me feel like they might have been wrong even if that’s not the case. ‘What if’ has always been a constant of my experiences and, in addition to making me feel anxious, is not very helpful. On one hand, I think that after some moments of unhelpful frustration and anxiety I tell myself that it’s time to move on and think about the present rather than the past. On the other hand, the past teaches that it’s better to try something even though you’re not convinced about it because I don’t want to add a new “what if” to the list.

In conclusion, I believe that sometimes the fear of “what if I don’t try this workshop and miss an opportunity” motivates me to go for more workshops than l normally would but, at the same time, I allow myself to drop out of them if I feel it has become a waste of time. I know it might sound a bit contradictory but I hope it kind of makes sense.

Where do I find my workshops?

I found most of the workshops on FB or through friends. I basically joined as many groups and fb pages as possible and it works quite well: many companies or private practitioners post their sessions on social media and sometimes you hear about very interesting opportunities. The down side is that my notification box is always full and not always with relevant information. I have to admit I waste a lot of time scrolling my homepage. In any case I don’t think I will quit FB soon but I might consider it in the future should the way people advertise training sessions change.

The worst workshop experience.

Some time ago I went to a workshop led by a famous clown teacher. I was really looking forward to it because the feedback from other students was very encouraging. As soon as he arrived he started to mention how long he studied the subject of clowning for and how passionate he was about it. In any case, I felt like he was having a “I know all attitude” but I didn’t want to jump to conclusions yet.

I have to admit I do like people who are confident but not arrogance or presumption. I believe that one will never be able to know ‘everything’ about any subject no matter for how long he or she studied it. I do appreciate people who are confident but can stay humble. It was definitely not the case with him. Later on, when he was asked a question that challenged his point of view he was quick to make that person feel invisible. I don’t even think he actually answered that question but went on with several quotes to make sure no one noticed what she said. I felt he was feeling threatened by her opinion.

All of this annoyed me but that wasn’t the worst part. We started with an exercise and as soon as I started he asked me to step out of my rank. He asked my name and I felt he was a bit frustrated because, of course, I have a foreign name and difficult to pronounce for English speakers. He then played a game with me that was more a mockery than anything else. Don’t get me wrong, clowning is playing but arrogance is not. I tried to do the exercise and really tried my best but apparently I always did it wrong. He assumed that I wasn’t able to understand what he was saying because of a “language barrier”. Therefore I was getting it wrong all the time. I don’t think that was the case. I can’t say my English is perfect but it was good enough to understand what he was saying. I simply was not able to do what he wanted me to do. This made feel quite uncomfortable and at that point I was on the verge of crying. I was not able to speak up and I was embarrassed. I am indeed a shy person but I can feel confident too if I don’t feel judged.

The reason why I am writing this, it’s not because I want to complain about that person but it is because I didn’t like my behaviour. It’s not in my nature to be impolite but I think I should have said something. I do understand this might not seem like a big deal for other people but I know exactly why it is for me.

I felt a defenceless child again. It had definitely something to do with my childhood. I used to be shouted every time I did something wrong or worse I was told that I simply couldn’t do it. I was not good enough to do the dishes properly or cook a good meal. This stayed with me for many years and when I feel the most vulnerable it reveals itself under unexpected circumstances.

I understand that the field of acting is tough and people think than being hard to you, we’ll help you. It’s definitely not the case for me. Every time I get in touch with this kind of personality, I freeze. I am assuming I start to feel danger and I am not able to say or do anything creative. It is a big dilemma for me because I know most of the time these people don’t do it to attack me as a person but they simply want to push my limits.

The thing is that this method doesn’t seem to work well for me. It is true that I have some unsolved issues from my past but I am not sure this can explain everything. I believe that not all the teachers I met where good for me. Not because they didn’t have enough knowledge but because our personalities were not compatible.

Finally, some people are just arrogant and I simply cannot stand them. I am wondering if other people had similar experiences and how they managed to overcome them. Did you change your behaviour or did you simply avoid those kind of people? Does a ‘tough’ approach work well for you?

I must say that some people approached me after the workshop to check if I was ok and I was very grateful for it. It made me feel much better. They also believed I had not been treated in the right way.

My question is still open though. Even if I can assume that he was not right in doing so, I don’t know what I should have done or said. I just know that my weakness prevents me from getting the best out of some workshops. Who knows, maybe in the future I will improve in this and it won’t be as bad as this time. Let’s see what happens next time. It definitely taught me that I need to work on my confidence and mental strength. Finally, talking to other people about this episode really helped me and at this point, I look forward to going to new workshops.

The best workshop I attended so far

It was again a clowning workshop I went to a few weeks before the last one I have just described. In this case, I didn’t really have any expectations. The first game consisted of a series of name games. I am not a huge fan of these kinds of games as I always struggle to remember or even understand other people’s names in English. This generates quite a lot of frustration in me and apparently this frustration makes me funny. So this time I just decided that I was going to allow myself to make mistakes and really live in the moment.

The first game was actually quite easy because we simply needed to say the name of the person from our left instead of our name. Also, I knew the people that came to the workshop so I have to say I was not feeling frustrated yet… After a few rounds, the rules changed and I totally lost it very quickly. I could feel my frustration coming and said to myself that “it was ok”. It was fine to fail and be ridiculous. Also, it was a lot of fun for myself included! But why?

The workshop leader made me feel ok with my awkwardness and I think that being with people I knew was a bonus. I am still trying to figure out the rules of that game, it was something to do with saying the name of the person 3 places away from your left and then right. Then at some point the sequence would change but I just couldn’t keep up with it he he.. I realised it was too complicated for me to fully understand and in any case I was funnier every time I didn’t get it right. Getting right or wrong is again very subjective. Also, what does actually mean ‘right’ or or ‘wrong’ in clowning?

Later on we started to do some solo work. I was quite afraid of trying but I was quickly reassured by the thought that “it was ok to fail”. We did the exercise where you need to come out of a curtain and can only move forward if people laugh at you. Not knowing what to do, I just started to do all the things that I can’t do: singing out loud and dancing for example. People started to laugh almost immediately and although I was feeling ridiculous it was extremely fun to do as well.

When I didn’t know what to do or saw that what I was doing didn’t work, I would comment on it saying things like ‘ok’, ‘all right’… with an extreme long pause. Just simple things that would make them giggle and make me move forward. Simple is better, some people say. The workshop was really good because I also learned a lot from other people and it really pushed my limits. I also worked on accepting my fears and using them for my advantage. It definitely had a therapeutic effect on me.

That time when I was a child

I remember that when I was a child me being ridiculous was not seen in a good way. I was not allowed to laugh out loud because that was considered ‘stupid’. I couldn’t use certain childish words or my own dialect (in Italy speaking a dialect is not always considered ‘socially acceptable’ and only to be used in ‘small amounts’ or with friends etc… It’s quite a complex matter but I hope you get the idea). In other words, I basically needed to always refrain myself from being a child. I think that this might have been part of growing up but I don’t think that I should have had so many rules about what I could laugh at and couldn’t.

I guess that this affected my personality a lot. The good news is that I am now able to rationalise it.

I believe that I am the result not only of my past but of my present and of the choices I make for the future.

It took me years to allow myself to be childish again and take things with more sense of humour. As a child, I would express my repression by playing by myself in my room or outside in the farm I used to live in. I would make up endless stories and everything seemed to be possible in my world. I was free and able to explore my creativity. The pressure to be ‘the neutral child that needs to behave like an adult’ was always there but I think I had managed to build a safe place to be me.

I think that making theatre is the place where I am exploring who I want to be and what kind of person I want to become.

It has a positive impact on my daily life and I think I call it my ‘safe escape as an adult’. The difference between now and my childhood is that the only pressure I have is from inside me. It is actually more a motivation to do better and be a better version of myself as an artist and as a person too.

Finally, the thing that really unlocked my clown was not accessing a more rational part of myself that could actually make me figure out the rules to play the game correctly but would not make me a clown. Well, there’s a lot to say about clowning and I think I will write more about it as my idea of it develops in the future.